|For Any Male Part:
From: My Fair Lady
Oh, that's what's worrying you, is it?
(He thrusts his hands into his pockets, and walks about in his usual manner, rattling the contents of his pockets, as if condescending to a trivial subject out of pure kindness).
I shouldn't bother about it if I were you. I should imagine you won't have much difficulty in settling yourself, somewhere or other, though I hadn't quite realized that you were going away.
(He examines the dessert stand on the piano and decides that he will eat an apple).
You might marry, you know.
(He bites a large piece out of the apple, and munches it noisily).
You see, Eliza, all men are not confirmed old bachelors like me and the Colonel. Most men are the marrying sort, poor devils!; and you're not bad-looking; it's quite a pleasure to look at you sometimes--not now, of course, because you're crying and looking as ugly as the very devil; but when you're all right and quite yourself, you're what I should call attractive. That is, to the people in the marrying line, you understand. You go to bed and have a good nice rest; and then get up and look at yourself in the glass; and you won't feel so cheap.
For the father:
Tropico from Mermaid in Miami
CONTEXT: Tropico is the angry, power hungry father of a beautiful, free-spirited mermaid who has dared to escape from his tyrannical rule. (Think Fidel Castro with Mermaid flippers!)
You there! Yes you. Little human in your stupid little boat and your funny little yellow hat and raincoat that makes you look like a rubber ducky. Why are you standing up? You should be kneeling down. Do you know who I am, you little oxygen-inhaling freak? Anytime you stick your head in the water, you are in my kingdom. I am Emperor Tropico, ruler of all the seas. The dreaded sharks cower in my presence. the monstrous squid looks at my and cries like a little girl. I am seeking two mermaids who have tried to escape. Can you imagine that? The most glorious empire under the sea. A watery utopia where everyone is without worry, everyone at peace, everyone hard at work doing exactly what they are supposed to do. Everyone is happy. And why? Because everyone does exactly what I say.
For a male character
Kay, I know that you're one of the most popular girls in school, and that you scarcely know how to pronounce my name, or use proper grammar. But I've had a crush on you since the days when you would ignore me in kindergarten all the way to this afternoon when you ignored me in the cafeteria lunch line. Some might say ours is a misunderstood romance. I remember in second grade, I wrote you a note in Mrs. Souplanger's class. It said, "Do you like me? circle yes or no." My friends said you tore up the note in disgust. But I knew you were ripping up confetti to celebrate our newfound love. I know that you have been pretending to ignore me all these years because secretly, deep down, you know that you like me as much as I like you, probably even more. Well, you don't have to be scared and shy any more. I'm going to make both of our wishes come true. Will you go to the prom with me?
(Dante reacts to her rejection.)
Should I take the rolling of your eyes as a "yes"?
For a daughter:
From: My Fair Lady
Aha! Now I know how to deal with you. What a fool I was not to think of it before! You can't take away the knowledge you gave me. You said I had a finer ear than you. And I can be civil and kind to people, which is more than you can. Aha! That's done you, Henry Higgins, it has. Now I don't care that (snapping her fingers) for your bullying and your big talk. I'll advertize it in the papers that your duchess is only a flower girl that you taught, and that she'll teach anybody to be a duchess just the same in six months for a thousand guineas. Oh, when I think of myself crawling under your feet and being trampled on and called names, when all the time I had only to lift up my finger to be as good as you, I could just kick myself!
For Anne or Ernestine:
What do I look for in a man? Oh, what every simple woman wants, I suppose. A man who is kind, and who is honest, unless of course his honesty would be unkind, then he should be diplomatic, but still firm, both in integrity and physique. He should be devilishly handsome and angelically humble. And whether it be the rolling seas or the towering skyscrapers, he should love his work, and love it even more when he rushes home to ask how my day has been. The sort of man who can laugh fondly at a memorial service and sheds a tear at a wedding. He loves the great outdoors, animals, large families, and pasta. He enjoys wearing sweaters, despises the color aqua-marine, and eats pineapple for breakfast every Sunday morning. He whistles show tunes, donates spare change for wells to be built in Asia, and makes a wish during every lunar eclipse. He has never known the pain of a broken heart, nor has he ever sprained his wrist while moving furniture, though he does suffer from tennis elbow and he gets dreadfully angry at crossword puzzles, and he has the sweetest smile in the entire world. (Pause.) Oh, and he's rich.
Female: This comedic female monologue is delivered by an outgoing woman named Roxy. Her boyfriend is a roller-coaster fanatic, and also a bit immature. Therefore, she has decided to break up with him, right in the middle of their roller-coaster ride! Although the character sits most of the time, the actress should feel free to add a lot of movement and facial expressions to simulate the ride.
(Getting into her rollercoaster seat.) (She’s talking to her boyfriend.)
You and your obsession with rollercoasters. What’s the name of this one? Oh, “The
Terminatrix.” How nice. Look, Derek, I—How do I buckle this thing? I got it.
Derek, I think I’ve got enough adrenaline and funnel cakes in my system, I can finally
tell you what’s in my heart right now. This might not be the best conversation
to have on the rollercoaster, but if what I am about to say breaks your heart, you
can just claim that whatever tears might be in your eyes are due to wind resistance.
(Leans back – the rollercoaster begins going up.)
Oh – here we go! So, what I’m trying to say…
What am I trying to say? Well, we’ve had a good year. Almost a year.
(She leans forward and bounces up and down just a bit to show the bumpy beginning of the roller coaster.)
Ten months and 22 days. Things started out bumpy. Sort of like this ride.
And I thought we were headed in the same direction.
(Leans back again.)
But now it feels like we’ve been traveling on two different tracks.
What? Put my hands in the air? Okay. (Raises hands in the air.)
But really, Derek, where are we headed?
I feel like I’m ready to take the plunge off of the Marriage Mountain Splash Ride. And I’m not afraid to get soaked with commitment. You’d rather spend your time on the bumper cars. Sure, it’s fun to bump around, but it gets pretty meaningless after a while. So, that’s why I think – oh my gosh, this is high up! Is it supposed to be this high? It’s safe, right? Anyway, that’s why I’ve decided – Here goes!
(The roller coaster drop begins!)
I’m BREAKING UP WITH YOU!!!! AAAAAH!
I THINK WE SHOULD JUST BE FRIENDS!
AND SEE OTHER PEOPLE!!!!
Oh my gosh, oh my gosh!
(She leans to the left.)
So, what do you think?!
(She leans to the right.)
What are you doing? What is this?
(She accepts something from him.)
A ring? You want to marry me? Here comes
another one! Whoa, whoa, aaaaaaah!
You’re crazy, Derek! But - Yes!
I’LL MARRY YOU!!!!
(She lurches to a sudden stop. Catches her breath.)
Let’s do it again!